Why I Hate The Wheel Of Time

I don't get around to posting much these days-- blame a busy schedule, a wandering mind, and maybe a dash of apathy-- so when I do, I try to make sure that it's for something important. Something meaningful.

Like "Why I Hate The Wheel of Time."

For those who aren't familiar, The Wheel of Time is a fantasy series by Robert Jordan. It's about a a shepherd named Rand and few friends from his village, who are pulled into big adventures by enchantresses (called Aes Sedai), discover that Rand is actually the prophesied Dragon Reborn, face off against the Dark Lord and all his really bad baddies, and so on, so forth.

My brother talked me into reading these books a while back. I am currently at the very end of Book 4.

I hate them. I'll continue reading them, but I resent them deeply.

Here's why.

1. Everyone is special. Rand is The Dragon Reborn. Okay. I get that. That's the story line. Of course he's special... the book is about this 18 year old kid who suddenly finds out he was special, people want to kill him, he has a role to play in history. Standard stuff. But this gets annoying. Nobody in these books isn't somehow special, in more than that "we're all special and unique" way. Rand is The Dragon Reborn. His girlfriend tags along when he leaves town, and she discovers... that she's one of the most powerful enchantresses ever, but never noticed till now! And his buddy Perrin? When he leaves town, his eyes turn yellow, and he learns that he can speak with wolves and enter a dreamworld. His buddy Mat? He's the reincarnation of some great warrior. Another friend from their tiny village catches up with them down the road and, yup, she's a great enchantress too! Rand meets a girl in a big city, and it turns out she's the princess AND she's one of the greatest enchantresses ever (but didn't know it). Mat meets a wandering musician seemingly at random, but he's that princess's mom's former lover, and a great player of The Great Game (spy stuff, intrigue). Another girl from a warrior clan gets a crush on Rand... and she's also destined to be a great enchantress! A farmer picks up the boys to give them a lift down the road... and later his daughter is at enchantress school! A warrior girl falls in love with Perrin, and later Perrin finds out that she is secretly the cousin of a Queen! And so on, so forth. Everyone is special. Everyone is awesome. If you meet a character for even a moment, you can be assured that they will reappear later with special powers, special skills, that there is something outstanding about them. The characters here never interact with anyone who is less than exceptional.
2. No one isn't special. Sort of the same complaint, but here's the thing: no one isn't special. With everyone being so fantastic, there's no one here is regular, normal, a real human being. Everyone has super powers. And so there's a lack of what you need to make a story real, to make a story feel right. It's why I could never get into Superman-- when you're bullet proof, fly, and can shoot lasers with your eyes, there's nothing "brave" about chasing after the bad guy. The human experience is gone. In these books, there's a lack of the cleverness, courage, and whatnot that might make you identify with a character, fear for them.
3. The good guys are untouchable. For the first four books, at least, don't worry: if you like someone, nothing really bad is going to happen to them. However bizarre or awkward it might seem, Robert Jordan will write a way out for them. A couple of our heroes (not yet in full possession of their powers) are in the jail visiting the creepy prisoner when the castle is attacked by bloodthirsty baddies who set him free? Don't worry. The guards are beheaded, violated, have their guts spread around the room and the walls washed in their blood. Soldiers throughout the castle are torn to shreds. But our two heroes are... knocked on the head. Knocked out. Unconscious. Next to the beheaded, gutted guards! This will happen again and again and again. It's even more obnoxious than the Storm Troopers who always yell "freeze! don't move!" when they've got the drop on Han and the others. They will never, ever pull the trigger, and the baddies will never, ever use the sharp end of the sword when a hero's life is at stake.
4. The characters are unlikeable. Not all of them. I like Perrin. Robert Jordan did a good job with Perrin. He did a decent job with Rand and Mat (you know, aside from the groaner that they ALL have super powers). He did a good job with Thom the wandering musician. Though all of these characters together become too much, they are each on their own fairly well-written. But the female characters (and some of the other males) are horrid. I mean, just terribly written. Insultingly superficial and weak. You get the impression that the author has never met a real, live woman; at least, has never thought to ask one what she thinks, how she feels, how she sees the world. The enchantresses in this book spend lots and lots of time worrying about how they look, trying to figure out how best to control a man, scolding men for bad manners, and fighting with each other over petty nonsense. It is an absolute guarantee that if Nynaeve and Egwene are on the same page, there will be a squabble. No matter what else is going on, no matter how ridiculous it would be for two people to be squabbling in such a situation, there will be squabble. Nynaeve will think that Egwene was rude and will say so, or Egwene will think that Nynaeve is haughty and say so, or someone will roll eyes or pull on her braids in frustration. It's just on and on and on with this crap. Awful.
5. The books are too damn long. Clocking in around a thousand pages each, these books are too long. And I don't mind long books. But these are thousand page books that could have very, very easily been five hundred page books. Really, truly, I would say that close to 400 pages in Book 4 have been wasted on Egwene and Nynaeve rolling their eyes at each other, sniping at each other, Faile telling Perrin not to slouch, Mat pouting in the corner, Elayne wondering if Rand really likes her likes her. Cut all that crap out and not only would you have more likable characters, you'd have a book that flowed better, made more sense, and took half the time to read.
6. Prophecy is annoying. This books is all about Prophecy. And Prophecy can be okay in a book when it's vague, when it plays a secondary role. But these books feel like what I understand the "Left Behind" series to be, with it's "end times checklist" and characters going through the motions, playing the scripted roles they've received. Rand will proclaim. Rand will pull the sword out of the stone. Rand will fight the battle at Toman Head. Rand will gather the Aiel. Et cetera, et cetera. Not a big fan of the pre-ordained plot. This was a bigger problem in the first three books, not as bad in the current book, so maybe it will not continue to be a problem through the series.

And there you go. That's why these books are horrible. Why I can't stand them.

And yet...

I'll continue reading. At least to the end of Book 5 (I went ahead and bought the first five at a used book store, pretty much committed myself). I'll continue reading because, as much as these are not good books, as much as I find myself groaning page after page after page... there's something a little bit compelling about them as well. You find yourself sort of wanting to know what happens next, wanting to get to the conclusion.