I'm Not At All Where I'm Supposed To Be

And I feel a little bad about that. Guilty, sort of, as silly as that is.

I haven't been to the Zen Center in weeks. Weeks! Enough weeks to be months.

I was going to go last week, get myself back on that cushion for a couple of hours, but then I got distracted after work and I didn't got out of the office in time.

So, today. I had today off. I took Sam to his four-year check up at the doctor's office (the doctor said all the "he's so articulate and funny" stuff that I've come to expect, demand), dropped him off at school, and then had the bulk of the day to myself. A good chunk of time at the gym. A stop into a health food store (to get vegan marshmallows for Sam's S'mores later this week, and some samosas, and, and...). A little time to read. An attempted (failed) nap. A trip to a local organic farm stand (kale and blackberries and corn and sun golds and grape juice and onions... mmm...). Even got a haircut (I swear, twice as handsome as I was yesterday).

The plan was that I'd then get me to the Zen Center. Wednesday nights at the Zen Center are my favorite. And I've oh so been needing it. I mean, I still sit every night, sometimes for just a few minutes, sometimes for a whole lot longer. But the whole group dynamic thing, with someone more experienced leading, with just the whole sense of being there in that room, a certain sort of holiness (wrong word, but the closest I can come up with) about the whole thing-- that's a good thing to have from time to time, something I need, something I want. And so tonight I was going to go, sit, be, (chant, maybe?).

And then... I ended up here at the coffee shop instead. Drinking decaf soy lattes (gonna order a roasted veggie sandwich too, soon). Thinking deep thoughts.

I don't know if I'm here because of the part of me that resists the things that are good for me, the part of me that whines on the way to the Zen Center (or the gym, or yoga classes, or or or), or if I'm here because of the part of me that needs to take some time and think out some thoughts, write some of them down.