Thank You For Protecting Me From Infidels

Dear Judges Graffeo, Smith, Smith, and Read,

Thank you for protecting me from the infidels.

For years now, there's been a certain "emptiness" haunting me. My wife and I have grown farther and farther apart. Our attempts to have a child have failed over and over again. My self esteem was just so-so. I found it hard to get a boner. Life was not as it should be.

Then, yesterday, it was as if a great burden was lifted from my shoulders. Suddenly, I was able to breathe freely. My wife came close to me in ways she hasn't for years. I felt a tingling virility that I thought I'd lost forever.

And so I have to thank you, sincerely, for refusing to let the homos marry.

Now that I can rest knowing that the gay couple down the street will not be guaranteed the privilege of hospital visitations, I feel I'll be capable of levels of intimacy that have been missing up to this point. I'll be a better lover.

Assured that "Bonnie" will not be able to receive insurance through "Angela's" work, I even feel confident in taking another crack at knocking the old lady up.

Knowing that dirty men who touch eachother's penises won't be able to file taxes jointly, I have the confidence that I'll be a better provider for my family, will finally be able to ensure a stable home for the children we've always wanted.

Thank you, all of you, for putting those buggers in their place, for letting them know that New York doesn't want them. For protecting the fragile, besieged institution of heterosexual marriage. For protecting our children from the grim menace of legally recognized loving couples. For making us straight folks feel that much more special about the privileges God told you he wanted us to have.

Amen. God bless New York.

The Thompsons